Saturday, 30 December 2017

Perth 2017



Melbourne
Heading out to the airport in the early morning light. The whole city, the suburban weatherboards to the steel and glass skyscrapers, bathed in rose. Gracias a la vida, desde mi corazon.
Landing
Ah, Perth. Seems it was always destined to be a complicated relationship, wasn't it.
Fremantle
I'll tell you what's cool. What's cool is two old men in a beaten, though not defeated, Hyundai hooning through the wide roads and avenues and highways of Fremantle, belting out Seven and Seven Is, Psychotic Reaction, I Had Too Much To Dream Last Night, Alone Again Or.
And laughing till they're hoarse.
Yeah.
That
Is
Really
Fucking
Cool.
Kewdale
The names: Abernathy, Arthur, Belmont, Oaks, Stockdale, Acton, Towers, Scott, Kew... All and always leading back to Knutsford Avenue.
The middle aged European couple over the back on Arthur Street, slouching about their summer soaked front yard in matching his and hers fake tiger skin underwear.
Hey! You the kid who's always taking our almonds?
I dunno, maybe.
Well don't.
And after that I'd have to keep watch from the window of the caravan parked around the back of the house in which I lived, to make sure they'd gone out before stealing any more if their bitter, nearly ripe
almonds.
And Tomato Lake defying all conventional wisdom by actually being a lot larger and more scum covered than ever it was when we played there as kids.
These strange and stupid shards that keep sticking out, still cutting deep.
Yeah, Perth.
Like I said before. It's complicated.
Leaving.
Another double decker, another magnificent view. Pete, Jeannie, Rache, Jay, kids, and Helen and Brett for good measure: I love you. Thank you for every countless ordinary miracle and for teaching me that if you can adult with a modicum of dignity and a heartful of courage, then one day I too might succeed.

Lay Down.

Friday, 8 December 2017

Today's portrait of the landscape.





You're out walking, driving. Sitting. Unfamiliar places or familiar but seen at last. Bus stops, train stations, the inevitable eatery.
It dawns on you that you're bleeding, diminished
yet you feel stronger than you can ever recall feeling. A new delirium.
Everyone around you. Everyone.
Everyone you see.
The swaddled newborn next to you looking unfocused in your direction, at the mother, at the others.
The care lines. The mottled hands. The pink hands. All colours. Everyone. All sexes and predilections and convictions. All proclivities. All of them.
Everyone.
For this little forever you are the least interesting thing to have existed. They are all so much more important and intriguing than you will ever be.
Everyone
else.
Smiling, laughing. The inaudible conversations. The too audible ones. They walk dogs. They push strollers. At least one happy, indeterminate creature they had on a leash had only three legs.
Crows feet. Gestures, sullen and wild. Serious eyes. Wetted lips and rising and falling throats. Skin rough and smooth, receding hairlines, loose skin and taut through times of abundance and otherwise. Unconscious scratching and unwarranted and nervous hahaing. All this and everything else besides.
Never mind that these are days of thin money. Never mind the decided lack of exuberance flowing over everything. Never mind the lousy weather.
Or the vagaries of life rising slowly up from within, or around the corner the phone calls filled with hobbling and heartbreaking news.
All the terrors and triumphs of your life have leached away because of every person you see until you are left
with nothing.
And slowly it dawns on the small part of you remaining, that you have pulled off history's greatest disappearance
yet again.

Fade into you.

Tuesday, 14 November 2017

Concert



I was reminiscing with my brother and I recalled the first concert he ever took me to.
There was Copperwine, the La Di Das (who would later play in the assembly hall at my high school, around the same time as the unknown outfit AC/DC), Billy Thorpe and the Aztecs, Johnny Farnham, Spectrum (or the Indelible Murcteps as they were then known, I think), and Johnny Farnham among others. My brother doesn't remember any of it but I distinctly recall someone pegging a bottle of beer at Johnny Farnham halfway through his version of Glen Campbell's Visions of Sugarplums and young Johnny F, ever the polite one, stopped only to gently chide, "That's not very nice!" before continuing.
Who knows. Maybe after all these years it was wishful thinking on my part (although looking back, I'd never consider Johnny Farnham to be high on my list of remembrances, nice though he's known to be) but I remember that damned missile and I remember the afternoon light and the noise. St Leonards Park 1971, maybe? Or possibly one of those bigger freeby gigs further west. Or maybe, as previously stated, I've been bullshitting so long, I can no longer sort truth from fantasy.

Sugarplums



Saturday, 11 November 2017

Darker.




You stare and stare.
And the page gets no darker and you think back on the week, a brother who had a touch and go experience, a friend traumatised by a breakup, other friends battling cancer. And you try to be there or at least be around as a brother, as a friend, and you're somehow haunted by the possibility that you were never particularly skilled at either.
You think on remembrance. On eleventh hours of eleventh days of eleventh months
and the page gets no darker
and in particular you recall the interview with a 3 RAR soldier who spoke of the terror of the Battle of the Apple Orchard in late 1950. He described with pride how it is now cited as a classical tactical fallback in military manuals across the world. He described adventures that swung wildly between visceral horror and insane hilarity and how he never wanted to hear another chime or whistle or bell again because that was how the northern armies (foolishly) announced every major assault so even in the dark, all you had to do was point and shoot at the clamour, with devastating and senseless effect.
He goes on to describe a successful counterattack on a ridge because the Chinese and North Korean troops had overrun their position in the caves the UN Allies had settled into. The counterattack was not part of any grand strategy, it was simply because the RAR troops were royally fucked off as they'd spent so long setting up their still to make the shit Core 10 (as the Yanks liked to call it because they seemed to have trouble pronouncing the name Corio, where this horror with a whiskey label had been churned out to poison the masses for decades) somehow potable.
And we laughed then as I looked into the man's eyes and he was there in a happy moment in hell.
And I foolishly asked, "So it wasn't all bad then?"
And the laughter vanished in the blink of an eye
and he said, "It was worse."
And for the only time in my life I understood in my own shallow and savage and stupid way how people never come back.

Masters of war.

Friday, 27 October 2017

Saturday 28 October 2017.



They couldn't have measured much over five foot apiece. The dutiful daughter with clear skin and haunted eyes holding the unsteady hands of her mother, well into her seventies.
Stopping every few yards to allow the older woman to catch her breath. They didn't talk, they didn't smile.
The mother sat down a couple of chairs down and swatted feebly at her hair as if to brush the nuisance sunlight away. She indicated to her daughter who knelt on the footpath to rub her mother's calf.
Presently the mother rose and they continued their promenade.
A tall woman in her late 50s ordered a pot of tea further down. Her sunglasses dark so I had no way to determine where or upon whom she was casting her calm gaze.
The young waitress helped me make up my mind because the nuisance sunlight kept driving any clear thoughts out of my head.
A tall man with a cane, his left foot twisted inwards, ushered his large family into the cafe as a couple sat at the table next to mine.
This couple looked handsome, in spite of her lime green coat, in spite of his ornate Tyrolean hat with its ridiculous feather.
A cappuccino for me and ummm. She points to a cake in the window. All of this to the waitress.
The old man gently waves his hand. He's alright, thanks.
I told you, I come here often, Alex. I was here the other day. No, Monday. No. What day is it?
I don't know either in this moment, in this sunshine.
Her sunglasses are enormous and hair is jet black and she looks confident, as does he with the tufts of white hair screaming out from beneath the hat.
I'm not sure what else they have to do with the house but it's looking good, you must admit. I'm starting to feel better about it all.
The waitress brings out a flan, all custard and gelatine and colourful fruit, and coffee.
I realise I'm smiling and I don't know why.
The woman has fast reflexes. Her hand darts out and grabs the waitress's hand.
We're all slightly alarmed, I realise.
These. Such lovely nails.
The young waitress: Are you Italian? It's just that I'm Italian and that's the first thing we say every single time.
Can you tell me how you do these?
They last for about six weeks and then you can peel them off.
What are you laughing at?
This last to me.
I'm not.
I am,
I stammer.
I'm laughing at this -
This very special, very ordinary moment.
The old woman laughs.
The best kinds of moments, she says.
How could I even try to make them understand that I was drunk from it all before the nuisance sun went away again.


This perfect day.

Tuesday, 3 October 2017

Is the water rising or am I sinking?



There was a man with his kombi and this was in another lifetime,
as with every other laboured and tedious imagining of mine.
The man appeared kind as he stopped and gave me a lift in a snow-littered place called Enfield in a country called England
and I thanked him as I hopped in without paying too much attention to his face (which could have been any face in any country) or anything else about him in the pre-dawn darkness because I was tired and I couldn't sleep in the bus shelter because it let the sleet through and I was hungry but I had tobacco.
As we set off towards Chelmsford, I asked if he minded if I smoked because like everyone back then, we all had to smoke in cars because it was law. Or should have been, according to anyone who smoked and he said no, so I started to roll up, thinking he meant what he didn't mean at all.
And the next no had all the exclamation of a sharp razor blade.
I mumbled an apology because I was tired and so on and so forth as he said, "The tobacco industry is one of the many hands of world Jewry."
And I nodded lamely because a) he was hissing into my deaf ear and, b) I was etc. etc. etc.
"Did you hear what I said?"
"No, sorry. So I can't smoke?"
"I told you you can't. It's the Rothschilds. The bastards are behind it all. American money. How else do you account for Israel?!"
I was about to respond that I couldn't account for myself 6 hours ago let alone a country a thousand miles away that I knew nothing about.
But it was his kombi and I was stupid for warmth and sleetlessness.
He leaned across and flung open the glovebox and this, to be completely honest, scared the shit out of me.
Guns flashed through my mind.
Knives.
Scissors.
Anything that involved my blood or my lost and lifeless corpse.
But it was a tightly bunched clump of folded A4 sheets with what appeared to be badly mimeoed text and pictures.
All of it a trash testimony to antisemitism courtesy of this cockney kombi driver and his desert-headed, cousin-fucking cohorts kicking heads and soup tins back around the estates.
He was smashing sheet after sheet into my chest as I tried to make sure I lost none of the tobacco that I was still trying to push back into my pouch.
Our time'll come and we'll kill and blah blah fucking blah.
Hate, you say? You, you dumb cunt, you don't know what hate means!
Kike this and Jew that and
god
knows
what
else.
That glovebox appeared to be a bottomless pit of tacky pamphlets and his NHS mouth seemed to be an endless spewhole of bone-headed vitriol.
So we settled into a routine - him spouting to his well and truly captive audience and me internalising my newfound mantra of, "Who poisoned you?! Who poisoned you?! Who poisoned you?!"
with the occasional interjection of, "This is my stop up ahead," and "That was my stop back there".
And, "I'LL LET YOU OUT WHEN I'M FUCKING READY!"
And the flat countryside rolled past and this would be my last day on earth and his ugly face would be the last human thing I ever saw and
suddenly he stopped.
Nowhere. Ploughed, sodden fields. No houses.
Just
nowhere.
___

"Get out."
I did. I seemed to have heard him just fine first time around on this final occasion.
He didn't even lean across to shut the door. He just took off trusting impetus to do the job.
And the last thing I saw were the stickers on the tailgate.
I'm a boy scout leader.
St George.
Proud to be English
Ah well, you know this story already. I've told it to you in a million not so subtle variations.
...
But it all brings me to today and the comments on the news reports as the biggest mass shooting in America unfolds for the entire horrified world to see.
Murderous fools wrapped in their unshaken, despotic convictions defending and playing apologist for other murderous fools and we - the normal and the broken alike - go on holding our breath and waiting.
For nothing to happen once again.
With every beat of my fear-filled heart, I wish it weren't so
but the mantra in my head hasn't changed a solitary syllable.

Weeping.

Tuesday, 19 September 2017

This strange attraction.





  
  Like everyone else, these past few years have seen me acting increasingly wierded out about Ophiocordyceps unilateralis - or as we all love to call it, the zombie fungus. We've pored over the pictures of ants and spiders after this insidious little sweetheart has wended its way through the viscera and nervous system of its unfortunate host. We've all made the right eeeurgh-type sounds and had those little alarm bells going off all over our limbic systems and corpus callosums, sending a macabre frisson to every fiber of our beings.

  And I suspect that for the first time we are starting to appreciate God and how and why he died.  By dint of necessity, we forcibly ripped the veil of anthropomorphism away from our collective face and gingerly placed what was left under the microscope.  Us humans get the toxoplasmosis gondii from our pet cats and everything else down the pyramid gets entomopathogens such as ophiocordyceps unilateralis.  It reminds me of Julian Barrett's performance in Garth Merenghi's Darkplace (see link below).  It's just so absurd to me that we have the posturing of autarchs and demagogues around the world destroying by seemingly fair means or foul all the good that democracy has brought us and I, like most others, appear only to be able to sit around gnashing my teeth and renting my garments.

  But the real threat is not the Scylla of the flag wavers and the fascists, the patriots and jingoists, the zealots and the firebrands, the tinpot would-be world leaders such as Trump and Putin and Kim Jong Un and Netanyahu and May and Assad and Maduro and... The well seems bottomless at the moment, doesn't it?  No. The threat that increasingly gets me thinking, is the Charybdis of Ophy and its entomo family. And lover, I ain't talkin' about what awaits us in the winter years when our infirm bones cannae move so very fast.  

  I'm talking about my personal morbid fear that perhaps we've already been compelled by these microscopic horrors since before we climbed out of the slimy pond. Perhaps, in my whimsical musings, we'll one day discover the answer to the eternal accusation, "Why do you always have to act like a...?!".  For many, a shocking epiphany that we are of the world, not on it. 

  I'm going to start intravenous infusions of spirulina and filtered warm water immediately because I, for one, do not relish the prospect of our fungal overlord invasion, in order to get my symbiotic thrills.


  In any case, I bet you won't look at mushrooms quite the same way anymore.


The Lord moves in mysterious ways...

Monday, 11 September 2017

Sword.



We couldn't have been six or seven and we had to stay awake through scripture lessons with Mister Towel.
I kid you not. That was his name.  Or was it Trowel?  Either way it was a silly name and it matched his bald Ibis-wrinkle pate and neck to perfection.
And none of us could follow his quavering, vehement logic so instead we all copied Greg Quigley's lead and cut our double ended erasers in half and drew the outlines of a sports car along the side of the half-rubbers.
Towel/Trowel was lost in his rapture.  He never much noticed all the kids pushing eraser hotrods all over their desks - the more adventurous ones even making soft, farty exhaust notes through their lips.
Looking back, it may just have been an age thing. If I had to take a stab at it now, I'd say he was approaching seventy and his high, reedy voice was just starting to lose any sonorous command it may have once held.
Now he was just an old scripture teacher who talked about moneylenders ("Is that like the Bank of New South Wales, Sir? Did they need bank books, Mister Towel/Trowel?") or the parting of the Red Sea ("Can we try that next time our parents take us up to Woy Woy, Sir?  Do you need a special tool or weapon like a ray gun?").
Week in, week out he would talk about this desiccated, dusty world, seemingly dreamed up by an individual or individuals in the throes of heat stroke or delirium long since cured by the new sciences, and read a book out loud about the people who inhabited it. But we were a lost cause before it began.
We were the age of plastic, Mattel, Milton Bradley, Mousetrap, Green Ghost (those radium plastic ghosts!), The Herculoids, Action Man, Big Jim, Barbie, Matchbox, Airfix, Hotwheels, Gilligan's Island, The Champions, George Reeves as Superman, Cool McCool (My pop the cop), The Phantom Agents, SSP racers, Get Smart, The Outer Limits, The Twilight Zone, Friday Night Creature Feature, Scanlens Bubblegum Cards, Columbines and triple bill matinees on Saturday, Tommy Leonetti, White City Saturday Roller Derby, Castlereigh Drag Strip for those with older brothers and sisters, 45s on scratchy portable record players ("Double trouble, I don't know what to do...").
And yes, cigarettes.
I forget who it was but someone suggested you stare at the evenly perforated classroom ceiling until your eyes crossed just a little bit. Et voila! A 3D ceiling would appear as an endless array of small holes started to overlap and swirl around each other. What passed for magic eye pictures in the late nineteen sixties.
And then one day everything changed.
Greg Quigley had somehow managed to separate the chassis from the body on his Red Line Paddy Wagon.  Not only that, he'd somehow acquired a pair of sidecutter pliers and cut the axles on the Hotwheels car with perfect equidistance.
And Towel/Trowel was softly speaking with his maker and hero who always seemed to hover a good two or three feet above his eye line (and Mister Towel/Trowel was nothing, if not very tall) and passionately inveigling us to join in a rousing verse or two of 'Draw your sword!  Raise your sword!  In the name of our great Lord!...".  What person or institution in their right mind would inculcate children of six to sing battle hymns so filled with blood and misery?  We are never so near the Crusades as when we're too young to understand them.
And Towel/Trowel hardly noticed the children barely moving their lips.
All eyes were now on Greg Quigley as, with immense concentration, he gently pressed the red lined Hotwheels axles into what, just yesterday, had been but a poor facsimile of a beautiful rubber sports car.
As the fourth wheel was pressed in with a showman's flourish, Greg smiled a wry smile and nodded, more to himself than anyone in that room.
He set it down for the first cautious test run across the desk and we realised - every last one of us -  with a slow, dawning clarity that a new age of rapture was upon us.

Hot Wheels.

Monday, 4 September 2017

The other woman.





Hello, is this Mr Connell?
Holy hell!  It's YOU!
I'm sorry, sir?
I've been waiting for your call, you glorious, glorious slice of womanhood, you.
(At this stage, I thought the pause - the distance between us - was too dramatic, and don't get me started about the babel in the background, but finally she spoke.)
Yes sir. I'm ringing you about the automobile accident you were involved in last year -
- Oh come on.
What, sir?!
Come on! Let's not pretend.  What are you wearing?
... I'm sorry, sir?!
You must be so beautiful.  Are you wearing silk? I'm not normally a fan but -
- Yes sir. You were in a bad accident last year and you have to pay -
- Oh look. I don't give a good god fuck if you ARE a scam caller. What coloured bra, woman! What coloured undies?! Is there filigree in the -
Sir. You need to send us -
- I need you, babe. (At this point I start breathing overly heavy because a) I'm not sure how good the connection is at their end, and b) I don't want them to think I'm an asthmatic.)
...
I need to know, lover, are you waxed?
JUST GO, SIR!
<click>
And she is gone.
Too easily they waltz in and out of my life, these ones.
Too damned easily, I sigh to myself.

Je t'aime, mais vraiment moi non plus!


To the girl who worked at Franklins.

I used to sing a popular song.
Not well, not badly
but I'd sing it a lot around the house and when I got to the refrain you would join in, slightly out of sync.
Like a poorly rehearsed music hall routine.
But you would sing those eight or nine words with such laughter, such light in your eyes.
And my fucking god it made me smile to see you smile.
Between the substantial clouds
the paranoid silences
the tears welling but never falling
the laconic accusations - questions for which I had no answers, not that you were after any.
We crippled each other;
You with my levity
Me with your clinging philosophies.
But that's what young people do.
And if they survive the ordeal
They grow old and stupid and needlessly proud.
Maybe like you.
Definitely like me.

Sunday, 6 August 2017

Sweet respite.



Three glorious days down at Phillip Island.
We didn't go anywhere other than the local grocer to pick up things for dinner.
We didn't need any damned penguins or racetracks or vintage planes or wild and windswept cliff faces.
We needed spa time.
Spa time and the voices and faces and boisterous laughter of friends.
And we had plenty of both
but still never enough.
Always never enough.

Nowhere, man.

Wednesday, 2 August 2017

i owe you this.

because tonight I've eaten pizza
and the tank in the car is full.
There's money in the bank (it's from a bank loan and I'll have to pay a stupid amount of interest on it to get it all paid back but tonight that's okay) and that money will allow Cam and Taelin and I to eat and sleep well and warm against the cold.
I owe you this because you were good to me
when I had so little, I didn't even know who I was anymore.
I didn't know how little I was worth and how much life really costs.
But I owe you this because I'll get up in the morning and I'll go to my job and I'll fret and worry about some decisions I made, or should have made.  Or something I communicated badly.  Or too well.
But I owe you this because you're reading this and you've been good to me in the brief time that we've been friends
and I haven't given you much but what little I've given comes from my small and crowded heart.
And I owe you this for every streak of luck you've shared.
For every time you took a moment out from your good fortune and remembered someone somewhere who you felt to be worthy.
And for them, you kept something aside.
And I owe you this because you won't be here forever and I certainly won't be here forever,
and for this tempestuous little while
we only have each other.
I hope you like it.

Thursday, 27 July 2017

Perils.



That decidedly ordinary and entirely suburban pleasure of stopping for the lollipop person as they usher the last of the weekday schoolchildren across the road. Warm and rich and right.
And that decidedly exquisite feeling as you blast the horn twenty meters later at the oncoming Lamborghini Aventador that pulls a u turn directly in front of you without as much as an indicator signal.
BEEEEP!
"What are you doing, you fucking prick?! Dumbarsed jizzrag dickwad!"
I figured afterwards they could have been mobsters or they may have even been so damned wealthy they could have buried me through the court system for the remainder of my natural life.
On the other hand, fuck 'em. I'd already done my one good deed for the day.

Drivin'

Wednesday, 26 July 2017

Before I forget.




Then there was that one Friday night when we dropped acid and you wanted chocolate milk at three in the morning, so we walked from Top Ryde to Mascot airport and watched the planes land. I don't think we ever did get the chocolate milk. Happy birthday, whoever you are.
Wherever I am.



Wednesday, 12 July 2017

Here we are again.



Most moments pass like hurtling trains,
Between the day jobs and the distractions we use to fill the gaps, and the occasional fortunes - good, bad or otherwise.
As we all pick up the pieces of our lives.
But this day, everything seems slower.
The breeze hurts on the skin
Something simple, like absentmindedly scratching an itch on my forehead causes a small, noticeable suffering.
A leaden step
that makes everywhere I have to be seem a million miles away and hardly worth taking the effort for.
Even the morning cup of tea isn't the same
And my guess is that today I just won't feel myself.
I could ask the same questions I've been asking these past three years but I'm not going to.
I'm old now and the working day won't let me writhe and wrack in the mire as I've been known to do
but in this painfully strung out moment, as with all other moments, never think I've forgotten your crazy brain,
Our crazy schemes,
Those crazy days.
I will remember your insanity forever and beyond, Jake.

Camera



Tuesday, 16 May 2017

Mother's Day



Knock knock.
Who's there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Isabel needed on my bike.
Oh that's an old one. That's as old as me.
But it made you laugh!
Who said I was laughing at you?
I just know.
Maybe I was. A bit.
And you'd light up another cigarette and take another sip of your beer and return to your favorite pastime of gazing out over the Devlin Street traffic and the vista of the valley clean all the way to West Ryde,
And you would be gone.
I could have sat there watching you all day. Sitting on the carpet pushing toy cars or hand painting an Airfix kit or playing with my prized Big Jim doll or reading books about telling the time and How The Snowies Were Made and learning about jobs long vanished such as steeplejacks and icemen.
You gave me that wonder, Ma. You gave me the gift of everything's going to work out and work out well somehow. You gave the gift of talking out of turn in a too-loud voice ensuring everyone remembers the occasion for lifetimes to come.
You gave us life and you gave us love.
You gave this much and much more besides and in return all I've given are the occasional pale remembrances and this stupid smile that appeared the day you brought me into the world.

Jean Isabel Connell nee McKee 1919-1998.

I wish I was a fisherman...

Wednesday, 3 May 2017

To you beautiful crazies in France.

"Remember your humanity, and forget the rest." - Albert Einstein. 9th July 1955.

I'm not that smart to pretend to know anything of nuance or subtlety. On the whole, I despise proselytisers - be they religious, political, entrepreneurial or cultural. And if we look at the net sum of my existence, I'm just a cheap blow-hard dabbler who, for the most part, knows very little about most things.
Which is why I have to chuckle at myself when I send out this imprecation to all of you readers in France. And that plea is this:
Please vote.
That's all.
Just vote.
I understand many, if not most of you are jaded by your politicians and, in fact, all politics and politicians the world over.  But as I've seen here in my own country (Australia), at times like this I have to remind myself that I AM the government. There's a part of me, of all of us, that is the best in each of those politicians - irrespective of their platforms and policies. After all, no monster is pure evil. And at the end of the day, I don't care if you hate Macron and love Le Pen, just get your arse out and vote.
Actually that's bullshit, I do care.  I can't stand this horseshit portmanteau/euphemism of alt-right. It's Fascism by any other name and although I have friends of every political persuasion just to ensure I'm still in with the non-bias confirmation brigades who wait silently in the wings to lynch me the moment I take one false step, I cannot for the life of me see how rationalising and exalting hate and ignorance, fear and greed can ever bring about any real and worthwhile change. If you want a world overrun with fuckwits like Trump and Putin, by all means, go for it.  If you want to revert to the romantic and insane delusion that you are a powerful empire a la Brexit, then yes, by all means run with the Le Pen oligarchy/autocracy. If you're so desperate for some kind of absolutism (which, let's be clear, is never anything democracy can bring to the table - democracy has no centre as can be understood on the whole. It never holds.  It just keeps burbling and bumbling forwards.  But fuck it, unlike the others, at least it IS moving forwards, blind and silly though it can be), then again run with who you feel will bring about such Pyrrhic triumphs.
But you will know what is right in your heart, whether I concur with you or not.  Otherwise you wouldn't go on reading the nonsense I write.
See?  Now I hate myself. My tawdry proselytising.
But irrespective of my small hopes, please get out and get to the ballot. You - all of you - are the guardians of one of the most inspirational countries in the world, in history.
My humble desire is that you hold your arms wide and embrace this rich guardianship so that France can remain in that worthwhile state of very ordinary and very human exaltation for boundless lifetimes to come.
Alright. I'll shut up in
3...
2...
1.

The power is measured by the pound or the fist...

Monday, 24 April 2017

Monsters all.



I grew up believing you got out of the madness by manufacturing your own.
And they bought it with some derision, some torment and some reluctance.
I heard tell on many occasions you had the snot kicked out of you but still you did not serve.
I'm married now with a new born son, you would say.
I cannot hear in that ear, you said. (This because you had perforated your own eardrum with a pencil and in my books that takes some small courage for a coward).
Your brother went off to Africa with the 9th and stayed stock still under the stinking, unrecognisable remains of human beings whose uniforms were the same colour as his own while the enemy slowly passed, gloating and terrified as he himself had been mere days before.  In this sanity-rending manner he saved his body, but as with all else about war, I cannot for a second imagine what it cost him inside himself.
And although he would see little of the viciousness of shot, shit and shell, yet another brother would lose the little a young man can know of himself in the interminable deluges of New Guinea.
While you were daily subjected to the ordeals of avoiding an honest day's work and grubbing through the less famed battles of  Annandale and Leichhardt, Darlinghurst, Glebe and Rozelle. Grifting and stealing and wheedling and scamming where you could, keeping a razor in your pocket, just as you had done as a boy, as a teen (for let's face it, you were ancient by the age of twenty two, just as your daughters and sons after you would be).
So many things I was told, never to learn if they were true or not.
Ah well,
I'm old now and past caring and I only know that I didn't like you as you lived
But at least with the going down of the sun and in the morning,
I will remember them.
Very differently to how I remember you.
And not so very differently at all.

Wail

Saturday, 22 April 2017

A harbour memory.



Twelve years ago, I had a job as a one man helpdesk for a small insurance firm right next to Luna Park. The pay was so poor, I remember sitting in Bradfield Park debating whether I could afford a pie or a vanilla slice.  Judiciously. I chose the vanilla slice and spent my lunch hour sitting on the grass, gumming up the pages of a volume on Alexander the Great I was wolfing down, and feeling that perfectly strange Sydney autumn air on my face.
I wonder what the person who now owns that book with those stuck-together pages must think of me?

Under the bridge...


Tuesday, 11 April 2017

Orange



I keep looking at the current crop of conservative parties around the world and I hear Tricky Dicky and crinkly haired Henry whispering, in conspiratorial tones, that hackneyed chestnut:
RN:  "Hank. Just tell Zhou Enlai that I'll do it.  I mean I've drunk the fucking Kool Aid, man.  He thought Rolling Thunder was a shit storm?  Well tell that motherfucker, I'm gonna exhume the bones of Emperor MacArthur and go fucking NUCLEAR on that stupid tonsure of his!"
HK:  "Will do, Dick.  Hey!  Why don't we leak it to the press. I've got it!  We'll call it the Madman Theory!"
RN: "Yes!  First we take out Giap and those northern bastards and then we take back north of the 38th parallel. Then scare the crap out of Enlai and then we rollllllllll across that motherfucking Yalu like a tidal wave."
Exeunt our antiheroes chuckling with mirth.

And now it has devolved into this - the Complete Dickhead Theory, aided by the Teflon Paradigm and the Sleight Of Hand Hypothesis.
And New Yorkers will sit around holding up Bic lighters against the growing darkness, singing Francis Farmer Will Have Her Revenge On Seattle.
God, I need my morning cup of tea right about now.

Orange

Friday, 7 April 2017

and in the trail of innocent blood, the flood of unanswered questions.



Does music stop the fuckwits with their poor life choices, the cruise missiles, the lies - so outrageously huge we just seem to drop to our knees and swallow 'em wholesale, the delusions and excesses of conviction, creed, culture and loneliness, the swerving trucks and the owning of weapons of mass and granular destruction?
Is music the pathetically frivolous and whimsical lagnappe doled out to friends, enemies and strangers alike in order to get everyone off the case, off the trail, off the cloud, off the scent, out of one's hair, out of one's heart, out of one's house and (up to and including) out of one's life?
Can music change a mind, a stream of thought, a synaptic/sodium response, a way of life, a conviction, tenets of religion, culture or philosophy, drug abuse patterns, emotional abuse patterns, physical abuse patterns, self-harm patterns, behavioural or even physiological shortcomings, voting behaviours, world views, how you treat the person seated or standing next to you right now, your life or mine?
Probably not.
But
then
again
...

Stop the world...

Friday, 31 March 2017

Battle hymn.



Today. Today...
Today is the day of dragging out leads. Of dialling dials and spending sweat- inducing hours tweaking tweaks. Today is the day of FX sends and returns. It is the day of 18 feet cables. Today is the day of Epiphone SG and Les Paul knock-offs and Rickenbacker 381s and 620s, the day of the Warmoth and the Strat.
Today is the day of 12 strings and six; nylon and steel.
Today is a time filled with tubes and solid states.
Distortions, modulations, compressions, delays and reverberations will fill this day.
Today is the day of the whammy bar.
Today I will fail and I will succeed because I've no idea what I'm doing.
I've done it all before at least a million times, with bloodied and broken fingertips, and still I have absolutely no clue on how to fight.
But I am armed and I am armoured.
Let this war begin again.

When I was old.

Friday, 24 March 2017

This formidable moment.



She smiles apologetically from across the counter and says, "Sorry. We've only got a 4:30 slot left."
I tell her with a mask of serenity that it's okay. Maybe I'll come back tomorrow. But inside, a thing sinister and indescribable is screaming, "You're a fucking barber, not a cardiologist!"
It's alright though. I caught a midday movie up at the local cinema. Something about loving. A play on the protagonists' surname, the affliction they're beset by and the forces arrayed against them (which of course, are anything BUT loving).
I came out to a sky filled with dark clouds that threaten to break the hearts and bank balances of many. But to me, the coming storm appears now a friendly and welcoming deluge against the too-perfect heat and dazzle of early afternoon light.
So I drive around nearby neighbourhoods not recognising whole sections of streets and highways as the music of South Western Townships plays at a respectable volume.
I do not recognise this tax agent or that pastel billboard for a struggling bijou shop. I do not recognise close-cropped lawn after close-cropped lawn and the houses blurred behind them.
Sitting in the shopping centre, now. Even the yelps and angry cries of happy children, which normally tears something out of me, sounds like a pleasant melody as I monster down a burrito with crinkle cut chips, washed down with an orange soft drink - all of which has as much relationship to Mexico as Karl Marx has to Groucho.
Still on the movie and I think - as I have done many, many times - that the only thing more stupid and contemptible than love, is willfully making an effort to prevent love from blossoming.

Soweto

Saturday, 4 March 2017

My only award.



The only award I've ever received in my long and often painfully ordinary existence. 1977 Pinball Champion of Top Ryde from the old Ryde Youth Center.  Oh, to be a fourteen year old street urchin again.
Years later a couple of mates and I still had a raging debate about which machine I'd actually won on. I maintained it was the old Ace High machine while the other guys swore it was the Kiss machine. I won twenty dollars cash in hand and Nick Ravenscroft, John Woods, and the Dwyer boys - Jesus, all the heavies from the four corners of Greater Ryde - bought a slab of beer and we went down to the Ryde primary school grounds and got hammered that night after the contest. Those guys were notorious for loving a good punch up and I feared they were just going to beat the shit out of me and bury the body somewhere under one of the school buildings because I'd whipped their arses on the only thing I was good at.
Oddly enough I'd only gone down there that night to watch Baa Baa Black Sheep on a colour telly because my Ma wouldn't end up getting one until maybe late 1978. Somehow I got roped into the contest because someone dropped out. Maybe in fear of their lives.

Look back in anger.

Wednesday, 1 March 2017

Wisdom.



Another golden mouldy Facebook status update from a couple of years ago.

I get hung up on words. I keep coming back to meditations upon wisdom. I meet people of late and unwittingly I think to myself, "Gosh, you're wise." It's not a word much used any more. Archaic and vague with a hint of stifled chuckle behind the hand. But I like wisdom. I miss it, if ever I've encountered it. I like the longevity - the way forward - it implies, in spite of a tacit and hazardous status quo that never really exists or existed. I like the historical neatness of it. I like the wry Aristotelian staunchness in the subtext of that one word and the stuffiness and immutability of its measure. I may yet use it in something, that word. A song, a scribble or scrawl, a blog rant. Who knows, I may become a late bloomer graffiti artist and use it as my tag.
But until then, I'll simply go on mulling it over and over.
Because this is what the unwise do.

Incidentally, if you enjoy this rubbish I post, please drop by on Facebook and say hello.

https://www.facebook.com/malcolm.connell.58

Mind

Thursday, 12 January 2017

Nice



Nice the beautiful.
I'd sort of taken a vow - made a promise if you will, to give up reading. My fellow vagabonds Fred, Markus and Sauie thought I was a fun person to hang out with when I was drunk or tripping but totally boring when I found a book and disappeared in it. This was Juan-les-Pins where clothing wasn't even an option. And though I had no hesitation about ripping my kit off like everyone else, you could bet your arse that if I'd found a book, I'd be sitting on the sand or stone walls reading it instead of playing drunken dunks or whatever the fuck those crazy Germans were doing out in the water.
We all had our respective talents. Sauie could walk into any restaurant in any town and immediately find kitchen work, then proceed to pass bottles of cheap Calvados brandy, and on one occasion a crate of Champagne over the back fence to us. Fred couldn't speak a word of anything outside his incomprehensible Kölner accented German (Ja'g'eisseFredabernichtHorst...) but had this unique gift of turning a roughly potted sunflower or orange pumpkin or melon flower in a rusty soup can into 5, 10 or occasionally even 20 francs. And Markus tricked. He'd fuck anything that so much as swayed in a light breeze. One time he made us all hang about on the central roundabout over in the Bois de Boulogne while he went off for an orgy that had pulled up when he gave them some kind of bisexual masonic signal.
I just busked.
So, at their inveigling, I didn't read. For weeks and weeks I didn't read. Until we all wound up back in Nice. We ran into some familiar faces when we hit the railway station and the bottles of cheap vodka and stolen scotch appeared and the street urchin parties began all over again. We all seemed to prefer the Cote D'Azur to base ourselves. I can't think why. The compagnies républicaines de sécurité were no less hawkish or brutal than their thug counterparts up in La Rochelle or Paris, Lille or Longwy. Perhaps it was simply the sunshine.
It all went to shit one perfect August day, of course, when I was busking up in the old city. I still blame a beautiful cleaning woman whose name I never knew but who would always lean out of a rickety balcony and tell me to sing louder! Louder! And I also remember she insisted you can never simply call this city Nice. It has to be Nice the Beautiful!
"You! You! I have something for you!"
And she disappeared for a second into the dark colours of the room. She re-emerged and threw a tattered paperback down to me. I fumbled the catch and to cover my ineptitude I said, "I love your accent!"
"What accent? I do not have one!"
I looked at the cover. John Braine's 'Room at the top'.
"I saw you didn't have a book these days but you always have a book. Somebody left this at the bus stop and I thought of you."
I smiled, thanked her, looked for the right words, failed, smiled again and walked away.
And I was never allowed back into the boys club again.

Beat. With heart. Just like this.

Tuesday, 10 January 2017

Ceduna




The Old Man and his best mate had gone to the pub on the foreshore.
The drive down from Port Augusta had been comfortable but monotonous as the two adults sat up front, talking seldom and anyway, you couldn't hear what they were saying really because the long door windows were wound right down to let whatever cool breeze that may have existed in.
The boy liked the car.  The Old Man's best mate had bought it brand new: a beautiful gold Valiant Regal two door hardtop.  It sounded good somehow, rolling along the highway and the boy couldn't quite put his finger on why he felt proud to be travelling the breadth of Australia in it.
But it sounded good.
The boy liked Port Augusta.  He liked the caravan park they stayed at on the water's edge. He remembered being there a couple of years earlier but back then it was just The Old Man, his sister and him and they liked the caravan and they liked the other kids they met and he especially liked annoying his older sister for whatever attention he could get.  On that trip too, both of the children loved the hundreds of miles of the Nullarbor Plains' limestone highway punctuated only by treacherous potholes that seemed to forever limit the speed to no more than twenty miles per hour.
But now it was The Old Man and his best mate and him in the Valiant in the endless August stifling heat as they pulled into Ceduna.
"You be right?  Grab a bitter lemon from the boot and go sit on the beach for a while.  We'll find you.", The Old Man had stretched around in his pale cream bucket seat with a smile that revealed too many wars of the heart's habits, too much debauchery, too many bad decisions.
The boy said nothing.  He waited until The Old Man had climbed out of the car, and stood at the back as The Old Man's best mate opened the boot and grabbed two cans of soft drink for the boy.  The boy liked The Old Man's best mate.  He was handsome in a Hollywood star kind of way and had a powerful build.  The kind of grown up face and body that are put together in such a way as to be relaxed with kings or killers.
"You gonna be right?".
The Old Man's best mate gazed at the kid with fractured adult-blue eyes and smiled warmly. The boy couldn't answer that question with any degree of certainty but he nodded his head and looked down silently. A habit he'd picked up very early on.
And they were gone.
The ground was hot beneath the boy's bare feet and the sound of the surf was surprising loud, in spite of the near non-existence of waves. And the sun bleached everything from the blues of the ocean and the sky through to the garish signs above the shops advertising cigarettes and ice creams and Bex headache powder and milkshakes and Emu and Swan and Southwark Ale. Everything looked out of place and unhealthy and inviting and terrifying all at once because of the strange, untempered light.
Already it was burning the boys pale legs and arms but after bouncing around in the back of the car for six hours, the boy didn't mind - it didn't hurt really, in spite of wishing the cans of bitter lemon were cold instead of warmed through to the point of hot to the touch, having been sitting in the boot of the car since leaving Sydney.
The pier seemed to go forever into the sea and shy of the intermittent lazy wavelet lapping the sand, the whole gave the appearance of being subtly crazed glass when the glare eased on the occasional insolent white caps.
The boy put his back against the warm wall and looked out, with no singular idea or image forming in his head other than to out-stare the relentless light, the infinite blue on blue. Finally and for no real reason, a colourful picture of a Whitman pop-up book toucan bird slowly formed, shade by shade, hue by hue, line by dotted line.  So abstracted and haphazard was the burgeoning memory, that the boy smiled broadly when he finally realised what it was he was thinking. Seeing himself from outside himself produced a pleasant sensation that refused to terminate in his brain , instead spreading its small joy along every vein, every artery, every capillary, until his every cell was infused with vibrant Toucan.
The bitter lemon tasted... special! in spite of the liquid's temperature.  The boy had overheard The Old Man boasting about how he'd stolen cartons of it, together with tin upon tin of Adora Cream Wafer biscuits as well as Smarties and chocolates. After a thousand miles or more of nothing but bitter lemon soft drink, Adora cream wafer biscuits and Smarties, only his enjoyment of the soft drink remained undiminished.  The biscuits and chocolate, as heaven-sent as they initially had been, had left him feeling sick and shaky as far back as Renmark.
Somewhere between acknowledging the full joy of the soft drink and the completed portrait of the picture book toucan, the boy became aware of another human being sitting next to him. Distant but close.  Added to this, the boy felt the unusual sensation of not feeling at all intimidated in any way. No alarms sounded, no arm hair or neck hair, no amygdaloid release insisting upon his motor skills to make an effort to run or stand and raise his small fists. Only an acknowledgement of other. A living, breathing other that gave no hint of hope nor despair, danger nor joy.
The man was quite old and never once turned to look at the boy. He simply slouched against the wall, much as the boy himself had done, looking straight ahead at the irenic ocean.  A warm ghost of a breeze played across the beach lifting minuscule particles of sand in front of them, and abated almost immediately. After weighing up what may or may not have been deep and heavy and worldly thoughts, the boy appeared to make up his mind by deciding it was okay to look at the man and not turn away - even should the man challenge him by looking back.
But the man posed no such threat. And in spite of the greyness of the man's beard and disheveled hair standing in extraordinary contrast to the etched and lined darkness of his skin and the unearthly paleness of the singlet and shorts, all in all, the man appeared to be an unprecedented assemblage of somber and comic. A rousing cheer from the pub into which The Old Man and his best mate had disappeared startled the boy's carefully crafted aged-nine-and-a-half-year-old insights, but the old man's eyes never wavered for an instant.
Thought fireworks, stellar explosions, cascading universes of feelings and words and half-felt impressions intersected, coalesced, exploded and dissipated to dust and memory in the forever silence as they sat there. Unattended seagulls swooped and danced and taunted and fled when neither scraps of food nor irate hand gestures and sounds were forthcoming. Neither the boy nor the man was discomfited by the silence or the gulls.  Nor the presence of the other. This dynamic. Merely things alive in what may well be a Drysdale seascape, if Drysdale had ever painted by the sea. Barely discernible things sitting. Barely discernible things thinking. Barely discernible things passing briefly in and out of each others' reach and memory.  Barely discernible, different and the same. Old and young. Black and grey and white and sunburned red.
And a too warm can and a half of bitter lemon.
It occurred to the boy with impressive shock that he wanted to stay here like this.  He wanted The Old Man and his best mate to stay in that pub and do what all Old Men and their best mates do in pubs forever. And the dark skinned, silent man sitting not a couple of arm lengths away could stay or go as he pleased.  But the boy had made up his mind.  He himself wanted to stay right here.
If the boy only ever knew one thing with any certainty, it was this.
By and by the boy pushed the unopened can across the sand towards the man and this startled the man for reasons he would never be able to fathom throughout the remainder of his days.  At last he turned his full attention to the boy and the boy saw for the first time that the landscape of the man's face - the creases and crags, the blemishes, the sheen and the mattedness, was not of a place so very alien or even old.  It was only a world perfectly mirroring the imperious and jealous and merciless sunlight.
And the man smiled, revealing some white and broken teeth and said, "This for me?"

The wide open road.